This past month I was in Korea for a month to visit my mom who was struggling with cancer for years. One morning, I got an email from my oldest sister telling me that mom's gotten a lot worse. Right away, I called my dad, and what he told me was too much of a shock for me, I was lost for words. He told me that he was expecting her to live about a month or two long, and that we(me and my sister) should come see her before it was too late.
At the time, my sister just started a new job, and I was offered to work on another project with at&t. But we had to leave everything behind. it was that season when it was hard finding a plane ticket to Korea, so we ended up going to Korea a week after we heard the news.
When I first saw her, I tried really hard not to cry because I didn't want her to see us grieve.. I didn't want her to lose hope... but that attempt failed.. both me and my sister broke down at the sight of her..
She was unable to talk, and there was no focus in her eyes, but when I called her, she looked at me and seemed surprised that I was there right in front of her. then she lost focus in her eyes again.. later when I tried calling her again, she looked at me and smiled. and then from that point on, all she did was sleep, and occasionally make noises to claim that she's in pain.
Dad, my sisters, my brother and I almost lived at the hospital. We took turns watching her overnight, and during the day, other family members came to help. I can't imagine how hard it was for my big brother and sister who also had to go to work everyday.
While I was at the hospital, I met most of my relatives whom I haven't seen for years. I also saw many of mom's friends and former co-workers come and go. Watching them weep in sorrow made me realize what a great person she was.. and I so wished she would wake up and recognize them, and talk to them..
One time, everyone in the room left for lunch, and I got to be with mom by myself. I'm so thankful for that moment, because I got to tell her everything I've been wanting to say to her.. I told her I was sorry, and that I was thankful, and that I loved her so much. I wish I could've told her these earlier. She didn't respond in anyway, but I want to believe she heard me.
A week after we arrived in Korea, she passed away on a Sunday morning before the Sun was up. It was a few hours after Korea lost to Uruguay in World Cup. I remember it was raining outside as if the sky was grieving too.
I was lucky enough to be holding her hands and watch her go at her moment of passing. I will never forget that moment. when her breath slowly faded, and her hand stiffened.. the four day long sleepless funeral.. the cremation, the burial..
When I first met her was probably when I was three, when she came to Maryland to visit my dad who was really sick. Yes, she wasn't my biological mother. She was the wife of my dad's big brother. (my uncle) After both my parents passed away from cancer, my uncle and aunt embraced me and my sister into their home and became our parents. Growing up, I never had to be reminded of the fact that I was an orphan because they made sure, they filled up the place that was missing from my life. They were so loving and caring, and so were their children (my cousins) who are my big brother and sister now. Honestly I don't know how many people can easily decide to adopt two children not of their own, and raise them like their own children. And for that alone, I have tremendous respect for mom and dad, and I cannot even begin to think how different my life would have been without them.
When I first started living with mom and dad in Seoul, may be because I knew she wasn't my real mom, I had a hard time talking to her comfortably. Both my mom and dad had a job, and so they always came home late in the evening. and my grandma took care of me and my sister most of the time, so I guess back then I was closer to my grandma.
One time, I was a fifth grader, and we were having a camping night at school, and everyone's mom was supposed to be there. I knew my mom wasn't going to make it because of work. Then when it was time for moms and the children to dance, my mom surprised me from the back and smiled at me. She looked as if she rushed to make it on time from work.
I don't remember what she said to me, but we started dancing, and I can't, will not ever forget that moment. I think that was the moment I engraved in my head that she really was my mother.
Here's another thing I remember about her. I was about 12 and it was her birthday, and I went to the market and got her a ridiculously bright, cheap looking red lipstick. it was about a dollar,
and the color was just so red, it looked like something clowns would wear. I was too young then, and I thought all women would like red. I remember the next morning, her wearing the bright red lipstick as she was going to work. Now that I think about it, it must've been really embarrassing.. and now that I think about it, I think she wore it on purpose to let me know that she liked my gift.. to make me feel good..
There are many more memories i have of her..
Never forgetting to bring home a cake and gifts after work on my birthdays..
Coming to my high school festival and surprising me at my cartooning club exhibition,
and giving me a flower bunch...
Always getting me and my sister something really nice whenever she came back from a business trip outside of Korea.
Crying at my farewell dinner, before I left Korea to come to the states..
Coming all the way to Virginia with me to look around my new high school.. to make sure that I'll be studying in a good environment...
Whenever I went to visit them in Korea, just before I had to come back to the states, she would always give me packs of dried anchovies and seaweed for me to take home.. I never liked that because I didn't want to be inquired at the airport for bringing in foods from overseas.. and also because they had them here too... she also got me books to read, which I never really read.. and always wrote me a card.. telling me to be strong.. and passionate..
I didn't give much thoughts then, but now that I look back, these little things she did for me make me miss her so much, and realize how much she loved me.
I didn't give much thoughts then, but now that I look back, these little things she did for me make me miss her so much, and realize how much she loved me.
My mom was the first born of 7. Her mom passed away just when she got married to my dad who was also the first born son of 7, and all the responsibilities she had to fulfill, I cannot even begin to describe. She was basically the mother figure to all of her brothers, sisters and in-laws.
On top of all of these, she had a full time job, two children to raise, and her mother in-law to take care of who I remember was very mean.. And when her sisters and brothers seemed to be settling down, me and my sister came along. There was just no break for her. Things kept on happening. but she never complained or neglected us. She raised me since I was 4 till I was 17, and even after I came to the states, she continued to support me and my sister financially and mentally.
3 years ago, she retired from her job, only to find out that she had cancer. It started out as a thyroid cancer, then breast, then lung.. eventually to all of her back and neck.. it just never stopped spreading.. I hoped she'd have some time to relax and enjoy life after her retirement, but instead, she had to suffer from all the chemotherapy, endless examinations and surgeries..
One of my aunts told me, when she was barely conscious, a nurse asked her how many children she had, and she answered 'two sons and two daughters'.. I could not stop myself from crying when I heard that. It is just so unfair.. how she had to suffer when all she did all her life was constantly give and love.
The fact that I was nothing but a burden all her life, and that she passed away before I even got a chance to pay back a tiny bit of what I owe her leaves me with so much regret and sorrow.
I didn't give her phone calls as often as I could've... even after I heard she had cancer,
for some reason I wasn't too worried. She was never sick all her life, and she was still young,
and because she sounded healthy over the phone.. I just thought everything would be okay as long as I believed God would heal her.
Two days before I came back to the states, I went to mom's grave to say goodbye. Coming back home while leaving dad alone was especially hard. Sure, my brother and sister are close by, but without mom, I cannot imagine the loneliness and emptiness he feels.
I know the only thing I can do now is to move forward and live a life that would make her proud.
but I will never be at peace with this regret I have... that I didn't get to do anything for her.. when she's done so much for me.. that it's too late for everything.
You've worked so hard and gave so much to the people around you all your life..
Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I am forever in debt to you.
whether we're blood related or not does not matter.
you will always be my mother.
I love you and miss you so much.
and I'm so proud to be your son.
Rest in peace
